Miss Monnie Baudelaire

Well now. World of Warcraft is still down for extended maintenance. I should be eating breakfast and working on my assignment, but everyone likes reading my confusing rants, so what the hell?

Now that I’ve taken myself out of that relationship, I am starting to feel a lot better. I’ve gained a lot of self respect back by not letting myself feel used. I’m less concerned about who he’s sleeping with and overall, my head is much clearer to talk things over. There are both positive and negative things about this situation now, whereas a couple of weeks ago I would’ve said it was all negative. I realised something this morning that I need to talk to him about, but that will have to wait until this afternoon.

As for dance, I’m the best again! Well, only for one of our routines, but still! I’ve been moved to centre front for this particular routine. It focuses on flexibility and strength and I can practically bend myself in half. I’ve been pushing myself really hard and I do feel that my flexibility is more level now than it was when I was younger. There are certain things that I can do better now than when I was a teenager. I think my hips may have leveled out (I was born with one of my legs around my head, so one of my hips is a lot higher than the other!) I can do a lot of the things which require you to be perfectly flat in middle splits now and I always struggled with that. There’s also a lot of things that I can’t do as well as I could, things which require lower back flexibility and strength. And headstands. My head’s gotten soft.

All in all, if I can get my study on track, my life should keep getting better from hereonin!

I had my second therapy session yesterday morning and it really cleared my head. By the time I’d left, I had decided I was going to end things with Craig for a plethora of reasons. The main one was we just didn’t want the same things in life. We loved all of the same things and shared opinions on almost everything. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before and supported my modeling and dancing and World of Warcraft, but that’s about all of the good there was. I never got bored of him, but it was only because I was constantly trying to please him and practically begging for his affection. I could never be openly honest with him about anything and as much as I tried to make myself trust him, I just couldn’t. Plus there were other things, more recently, like he just couldn’t make me orgasm during sex anymore. Plus he invited himself to my house at 1am for a booty call even after I told him to fuck off because I was trying to sleep.

So I got home and decided to see what bullshit his ex had been spinning about me on her Facebook and read the same “you’re a whore” crap as usual. It was great, it was just what I needed to give myself the courage to actually break things off. People can change, but it rarely happens. Cheaters will always be cheaters. He cheated on his ex with me (and a whole fucking tonne of other people) and he cheated on me with his ex.

What really shits me off is that one of my old WoW friends/guildies has been telling Craig’s ex a whole heap of crap about me and my relationship with Craig. It annoys me because I confided in her at the beginning of all of this and it was only thanks to one particular conversation with her where she told me you’re number one in life and you have to do what’s best for you and to go for it if it was going to make me happy that I decided to keep seeing him. The funny part is, I actually sat back in therapy and remembered what she said. I do have to do what’s best for me and being with Craig isn’t and will never be best for me. The statement that started the relationship and ended it. Irony?

Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is not something to be ashamed of. Dragons are virtually unstoppable and are truly terrifying. 93% won’t copy and paste this… because they have already been eaten by dragons.

If I do the opposite of what I want to do, I might start doing the right thing for once…